Asalaamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu :)

This is the story of how I found true peace and happiness - Islam.

I’ve always been fortunate enough to grow up in a moderately Islamic environment, although a lot of culture was mixed in with religion. I’ve been attending MUNA (Muslim Ummah of North America) programs since I was six years old. Obviously, Islam used to be something that I couldn’t fully grasp at that age.

I started to grow up.

My experiences during childhood definitely shaped the way I live today and will continue to live my whole life from here on.

I attended a middle school (grades 6-8) at a school called Brooklyn Collegiate. It was here where I felt like I had finally gotten a new start. I was so happy to get away from all the troubles of elementary school. I was ecstatic. But by the time was out of this school, I had learned to hate something: DRAMA. I hate it more than anything else. Its not necessary and so I withdraw myself from any situation that involves it. Drama can ruin lives. Take my word for it. Anyways, back to Islam.

I was in the 8th grade - September 8, 2008, when i started observing hijab. It was something that I had always wanted to do but only because all the other people i associated with outside of school were hijabis (my sisters from MUNA). I was so naive back then. I did not have the correct intention for observing it and for that reason I’ve committed myself to help other sisters find the right intention before they start. Its a lot harder to maintain hijab if you are starting for the wrong reasons. But my struggles with hijab all contribute to where I am so at the end of the day, I regret nothing.

During the 8th grade, none of my friends understood why i wore a piece of cloth on my head. They all questioned it and to my dismay, I couldn’t stand up for myself because I myself didnt know what it stood for. I was only wearing it because I wanted to fit in somewhere. Hijab abviously did the opposite - it made me stand out. I didn’t want the attention. For the longest time, only one question in my mind remained - Why did I do this to myself? I couldn’t get over the regret. And that regret did indeed win sometimes. I did take my hijab off at times. I’d make excuses like “oh, its a party so i HAVE to look pretty,” “Everyone has their hair showing, so maybe just this once…” The message that the hijab ruined beauty had long been etched into my mind.

In the 8th grade, I took my hijab off about 5 times. In the ninth grade. Once. I regret that more than anything else in the world. I know that it will never happen again…not by choice at least. Insha’Allah.

In the ninth grade, I began to get involved in my MSA more and more. I became quite active and made friends will all the board members in MSA. I found friends. I found REAL friends. The ones that were friends with me for the right reasons - for the sake of Allah SWT. I had never had friends like that before. The overwhelming feeling of being alone slowly started to disappear. I was surrounded with people who helped me with my Deen and people who made me smile for the right reasons.

But even then, my past had a very strong hold of me. One instance in particular actually - something that had happened back when I was in Bangladesh. I had a very hard time overcoming it. It made me feel worthless and useless. Like, oh no one will want to be my friend if they know about this. I had days where the only thing that would keep me going was knowing that suicide was haraam. There were mornings when I would take antidepressants before I ate anything because I couldn’t take the pain. That, of course, resulted in no good. Word of advice - NEVER take antidepressants before you eat anything. It makes you throw up like there is no tomorrow.

Anywhoooo, that part of my life is gone and done with. I’m very happy to say that THIS Ramadan (Ramadan 2011) was finally when I closed that chapter. I forgave the person. Only for Allah’s sake though. What the person did was horrible, disgusting. And for this one, I can very happily say I had no fault what so ever in this incident. Allah willed for it to happen to be and so it did. Allahu’Alim.

So tenth grade - the beginning of the year was still hard. I was losing one of my best friends. In fact, I was losing the very first friend I had for the sake of Allah and that also took a toll of me. Alhamdulillah, me and her have been reconnecting this year! But that loss was quite painful for me. However, I found a friend in the tenth grade. She is everything to me. She still is. She always will be. Her name is Afia and she’s a senior in highschool. We go to school together. She is so much to me, I cannot even express in words.

Me and her - wow. Me and her. Our story is quite interesting. We are both the kind of people where we just don’t open up to someone we’ve met like 3 months ago. But when it came to me and her, that was exactly how it happened. We laughed together. We cried together. We held each other’s head high and patted each other’s back when needed. We went through the pain and the laughter and the sadness and the sorrow and the joy and happiness. We found security in Allah through each other. We found love through Allah. We found this undeniably beautiful connection that revolved around our Deen. Subhan’Allah. Alhamdulillah. She was, is, always will be one of the shining lights of my life. I couldn’t be anymore greatful for her. <3

Throughout the tenth grade, i finally found confidence and happiness in my hijab. I grew to define everything I stood and still stand for. It makes me who I am. I love to know, that out of all the bad things I do everyday, hijab is the ONE right thing I am doing. It makes me smile that whenever I meet someone new, they cannot judge me for my looks or my body shape. They must judge me for the way I am and it makes me radiate every kind of good feeling out there knowing that all the friends I have, are for the sake of Allah - including my non Muslim friends. Alhamdulillah. I learned the beauty of Islam through my ordeal with Hijab.

I am a junior in highschool right now and looking back at this year, it was DEFINITELY the year of change for me. Me in Jnauary and me right now, subhan’Allah. These are some of the things I have learned so far:

I have learned to appreciate the things I have. I have learned to love for the sake of Allah and to hate for the sake of Allah. I know how to say no now and I know how to do things for the right reason. I no longer believe that beauty is makeup and tight clothes. I no longer find pleasure in taking of my hijab. Now, I feel best when I wear my hijab. I feel HAPPY when I wear my abaya. I know now that happiness does not come from pleasing others. It comes from pleasing your Lord. It comes when you thank your Lord for the good. When you turn to your Lord during the bad. When you remember your Lord when you see something beautiful and remember you seek forgiveness from you Lord when you see something bad. Hijab is not something that oppresses. Hijab is something that liberates me. Islam is not a religion. It is a way of life. And quite frankly, it is the only way of life I know that has been successful in helping me attain happiness and peace. I mean, isn’t that what everyone is so obsessed with finding? Happiness? Peace?

Any Muslims brother or sister who is reading this right now, May Allah SWT guide you. May He make your struggles easy for you and may He help you attain anything that you wish to so long as it is something good. I pray that you guys are in the best state of Imaan and Taqwa. Ameen. I love you all the same barakallahu feek<3”

Any non Muslim brother or sister who is reading this right now, thank you for reading this. I pray that you are in a healthy and good condition. I pray you are in a state of peace and happiness right now and if you are not then feel free to look into Islam. May Allah guide you all. <3

And everyone, in general, who just read this, surely with difficulty comes ease. Feel free to speak to me. I will do the best to guide you. Please do keep in mind, if you are a brother, I can only do so much to help you. If you choose to confide in me, the best I can do is reference you to a brother who will be able to help you. I will not talk privately with you. Sisters, you are my mahrams. Feel free to message me whatever insha’Allah. <3

Take care all. May peace and blessings be upon you. Asalaamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatu. :)